


To Feel Clean Again

by kahootqueen69



Series: Terrortober 2020 [3]
Category: The Terror (TV 2018), The Terror - Dan Simmons
Genre: Canon Compliant, Feelings, First Kiss, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, terrortober2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:28:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kahootqueen69/pseuds/kahootqueen69
Summary: James Fitzjames makes a confession.Terrortober 2020 Day 9:Tears
Relationships: Captain Francis Crozier/Commander James Fitzjames
Series: Terrortober 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1956325
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	To Feel Clean Again

**Author's Note:**

> We're just gonna pretend we're not already 2 hours into October 10th and post this like I'm on time <3

“Are we brothers, Francis?”

His eyes had been near overflowing the entire conversation — or maybe the better word for it was ‘confession’, really. He’d kept himself together well enough throughout the damn thing, thinking he could last this last little bit, but someone thought different, apparently.

A single, lonely tear welled in the corner of his eye and grew, grew, grew until it could no more and rolled down his cheek, cutting a path through the grime and sweat that had gathered on his face since they’d left the ships — left them behind to creak and break and eventually disappear under the ice and into the water only to rot and never to be seen again.

 _This was it,_ he thought. This was the moment Francis was going to realise what he was, what he did, and by God would he be disturbed, appalled, disgusted, and would turn him away right that second, tell him to turn around and disappear and rot with the ships they’d left behind, and get left behind himself. James would gladly take it; would gladly creak and break and drown, stuck beneath the ice, for surely that was better a fate than watch as Francis couldn’t ever lay his eyes on him again, disgusted and appalled by what he was. _What I am._

He couldn’t stand this; couldn’t stand the silence and the way Francis watched him with searching eyes but didn’t speak _God why didn’t he speak._ James would shake him if he wasn’t paralysed himself, would shake him and shake, shake, shake the words out of him if only to hear it; if only to be rejected — so he would know _please God so he would at least just know._

“Because I would like that very much.”

No harm in begging — _pleading_ — anymore now. He was already open and vulnerable and desperate — God he was desperate — and most likely going to die, anyway.

He’d known it since he touched his hairline and his scalp had started bleeding, known it ever since and only grown more sure of it as time passed and passed and passed and never seemed to stop for even just a second. It had gotten worse and worse and worse and would continue to get worse; he knew it and knew it was already far too late for him. Far too late except for one last question to be answered, hidden in words and glamour — well, maybe not glamour, not anymore — and in one last story.

Francis opened his mouth to speak and his expression shifted, and James knew it; knew this was the moment he’d be rejected and discarded and left to rot, but at least he would be _free._ Free of the not knowing and the uncertainty and free to die knowing the answer.

But Francis smiled, and raised a hand to squeeze his shoulder. Squeezed his shoulder and thumbed the single, lonely tear away. Thumbed the tear away and cupped his face, and before he realised what was happening Francis kissed him, and didn’t let go.

Like the tear had cut a line across his cheek and washed away the grime and filth and dirtiness and had left a clean path in its wake, he was rid of his faults and failures and doubts.

And James felt clean again.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/kahootqueen69) :)


End file.
